I like to be awake when I fall asleep

By Elizabeth Prata

The last two days of school were unique. Since the kids were gone and we were not allowed into the building for many weeks, the whole place was a sad testament to a hurried goodbye. But we did have some important things that had to be done, virus or no virus. At the very end of the year we were allowed back in to pack up the classrooms, and in so doing make bags for the kids and parents to pick up. In the bags were the remnants from inside the kids desks such as pencil boxes, any coats or sweatshirts left behind, and paperwork such as report cards, awards, and certificates. We brought the bags and lined them up in the gym alphabetically and by classroom teacher.

Instead of the last day on car rider duty with the kids sitting cross legged in rows, there was only the bags. It was like Ghost of Kids at Car Riders.

The paraprofessionals were told to come in on Thursday and Friday and be on hand for the hand-out. Parents were to drive up as if it was car riders, and we paras in the gym would hand the bags to some paras outside who would hand it to Principals who gave it the drivers. This method minimized contact with the public, allowed some closure, and gave us a chance to wave goodbye from a distance.

It was a long 8 hours though! What to do for 8 hours while waiting for people to drive up and collect their bags? We were all women, so we talked. It was nice, especially not having had a chance to speak to anyone in the shelter-in-place time and not having seen our friends and colleagues for many weeks. We gabbed, we chatted, we laughed, we talked.

I'm not a great social talker. I don't know how to do small talk and don't like it. Plus, usually I say one or more things that strike people funny. When I was growing up that happened a lot, I'd say something and all the adults would laugh. I got so tired of that I just quit talking. 

What I was saying and thinking made perfect sense to me, but no to anyone else. I learned through taking some professional development classes that this is called "private logic".

Anyway we were discussing what we enjoy about the summertime away from school. One person said naps. I like naps too, and chimed in. I said,

"I like to be awake when I fall asleep."

Everyone burst out laughing. It made perfect sense to me. Thankfully we had boatloads of time (and a captive audience! My favorite!) and I could explain. My private logic is often a shortcut to longer explanations of things I don't have time to make in normal conversation. Conversations go so fast! The streams of talk are like hordes of squirrels running across the lawn, doubling back, running up a tree, or just disappearing. That is what social conversation looks like to me.

Falling asleep is an enjoyable physical experience. The laying down of a tired body The release of stress as the body flattens and relaxes, giving up its daytime burdens. The drawing up of covers to warm and snuggle into comfort and safety. The quiet.

However, at night, the qualities of falling asleep differ from the qualities of falling asleep in a daytime nap. After the few moments of the above, nighttime falling asleep is like lying next to a cliff, and rolling off. I plunge directly into the abyss and awaken 7 hours later exactly the same way but in reverse, suddenly and totally.

In summer when I take a daytime nap, the windows are open and I hear the birds. I enjoy the birds. I feel the breeze waft across the bed. I like the breeze. The cat snuggles next tome, purring. I like the cat. I fall asleep slowly, gently. It's like a leaf gently dropping from a height to float softly to the earth. My consciousness slowly draws down until I think and feel no more. But I'd had opportunity to enjoy the pleasurable sensations before blinking out.

That's what I mean when I say "I like to be awake when I fall asleep."